Police Apprehend ‘Atomic Slasher’

What may well be the final chapter in the history of Cold War aggression has taken place in Boulder, Colorado: According to the Metro newspaper (a periodical described by its website as a “publishing phenomenon”) a 31-year-old man has named the disused Rocky Flats nuclear weapons plant, located near the city of Denver, as a contributory factor in a spate of tyre slashings he undertook.

It is unclear why the man, whom police have identified as Alexander Kabelis, selected tyres as the target of his malice, and attempts by the protagonist himself to explain his actions have only added to the baffling nature of the crime. Following his red-handed capture in the vicinity of a police vehicle with a severely deflated tyre, Kabelis stated that radiation from the Rocky Flats site might be behind the tyre slashing. He then added that additional motives may have been at play, including frustration about his relationship with his mother and the wearing of braces in the 1990s. The loss of his driving license some years back and being “buzzed” by a police car recently were also put forward as factors.

Regardless of the trigger, be it fallout from the arms race, a Freudian conundrum or a dispute with “the man”, Kabelis has admitted to slashing the tyres on 46 vehicles, including nine police cars, over a one-month period.